So recently I realized that if I had children, I would the worst of the worst working parent out there. As a father, mother or whatever. Let me explain how I would screw up the whole parenting thing:
1. When I come back from work, I am EXHAUSTED. Like dead tired. I slip off my shoes and lie down in the entry way looking like a beached whale. I don’t have any energy to accept any loving or energetic greeting from a child. I just want to eat and sleep (which is what I currently do).
2. Nothing like a warm home cooked meal made with love… bridge please! Here is some money, call up Dominos and order a pizza. I am way too lazy to cook you food but I can ask them to write “I love you” in ketchup on the pizza if you want food prepared with love.
3. I love to curse. I actually find swear words fun to say. They just make responses better. Even if I could try and control my tongue around kids, I would compensate by using terrible puns like “bridge please” or “fudge you”… Which are painful to hear for everyone around. I would rather swear shamelessly around my children and then feed them untruthful stories of an evil monster who eats kids who cuss.
Yeah, I should probably get dogs instead.