Another funny list coming at you, hitting your local screens in two minutes! So I had a bout in the hospital not too long ago – went to the ER and was admitted for a whole week. And the cause for my minimal bladder control, black outs, high fever, high pulse, excruciating and paralysing (literally!) body pain and hallucinations (probably because of the unimaginable pain) was…
Sinusitis. But it was chronic sinusitis and I had to be on IV broad spectrum antibiotics for five days to recover and go through every imaginable diagnostic test possible to determine the cause or primary infection. Between all these traumatic experiences and outside visiting hours when I didn’t have doting friends or family around, all I had for company and entertainment was my wacky mind and wild imagination. Listening to music or watching something weren’t really options – I couldn’t muster the energy to keep my attention on anything nor could I laugh during an episode of Big Bang Theory without writhing in pain for the next two hours. And so I imagined ways the hospital would be more fun:
1. Wheelchair wars – You know, like bumper cars but with wheelchairs instead. The nurses can push you around and it is fun for everyone all around! And of course, it is a PERFECTLY SAFE activity. I can imagine a tagline like, “Metal footrests collide in the biggest event for patients and hospital staff alike that hopefully nobody has the misfortune of being forced to spectate.” Don’t worry, this didn’t actually happen. All imagination here.
2. Make the nurses feel awkward – I truly admire them and they are way better than the doctors themselves. I was too weak to even walk to the ensuite bathroom in my ward room so I had to use the portable toilet kept next to my bed which was basically a wheelchair with a replaceable disposable pan in it. Which the nurses came in to replace EVERY TIME I used it. So I imagined it would be funny/awkward to say, “Looks a bit like Australia, aye mate?” about my poop to the unfortunate nurse. Or giggle during my ECG (scan of my heart) and coyly say, “My nipples are ticklish,” or “It’s been a while since they have been touched like that.” Thankfully I didn’t do anything like, I was really polite and just grateful to still be alive. Besides, don’t mess with the people responsible for your IV.
3. Scare other patients or visitors in the hospital – So this one I was seriously tempted to do. It seemed like such a brilliant and funny idea. It also reminded me there was a small morbid darker alter ego swimming under the surface of my cheerful and innocent personality – it scared me honestly. If I had to be taken out of my room at all for some scan or to see a doctor, I had to wear scrubs and a mask over my mouth and be taken in a wheelchair by a nurse. I was deemed highly infectious and they didn’t know what it was but they definitely didn’t want it to spread. The whole outfit and my sickly appearance was perfect for me to get cast in the next gruesome horror movie. Needless to say, I should have taken advantage of the situation. Like randomly grab a visitor’s hand while moving through the hospital and say in a raspy voice, “Run away, as fast as you can!” or “Go before it’s too late!” or “Trust no one here.” Imagining how their faces would have looked amuses my darker side quite a bit even today.
In hindsight, I am glad I actually didn’t do any of that. Maybe this blog post wouldn’t have existed if I did *cue dramatic music*.